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- I want an auctioneer to read my eulogy.
- When my hands are cold I warm them between my thighs. Are your ears cold?
- I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!
- If a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it
- Every few years I come to the realization that I was such an idiot just a few years ago.
- I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
- I believe in karma That means I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .
- Turn your wounds into wisdom.
- Here's an idea, how about everyone stfu and quit bitching about lame posts and just steal statuses like you're here for anyways. Better yet, come up with your own shit if it's such a big deal you uncreative douches. Now let the dislikes and vulgar comments begin.
- Somewhere in the world right now a honeybadger is sitting alone crying because no one believes that he DOES care.
- Life is only as great as the risks you're willing to take.
- I don't always post updates...but when I do, I prefer status stalker...stay lazy my friends.
- Many things give us joy in life, but not nearly as much joy as finding money in a parking lot.
- New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
- Thank you for giving me pieces of your heart to fill in the breaks in mine.
- Leonardo DiCaprio never died in Titanic. Last scene: him going underwater. 1st Scene in Inception: him waking up on a beach.
- The happiness of your life...depends on the quality of your thoughts.
- So, to put a positive spin on Daylight Savings Time, instead of "losing an hour of sleep" on a Saturday...we should put our clocks ahead at 4pm on a Wednesday, it would be "leave work early day".
- I've always wanted to get into a cab and yell, 'Follow that car!!!'
- ALL relationships go through shit. REAL relationships get through shit
